


The Furniture Committee

by Sunshineditty



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Coda, Episode Related, F/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 08:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1298374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunshineditty/pseuds/Sunshineditty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A what-if conversation based upon 7.16 "The Table Polarization" episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Furniture Committee

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this a few days and haven't managed to wrangle it into something other than a mish-mash of ideas, so pardon the sidewayness of this one-shot.

 

“Sheldon, c’mon. You promised!”

 

“I don’t wanna get a table! We don’t need one.”

 

“Omigod, you big baby. We do need one as I’m tired of sitting in front of the tv like we’re still in our teens. We’re grown adults and we need grown up furniture.”

 

“You’re an adult.”

 

“You do realize that’s not an insult, right?”

 

“I don’t know why you’re even doing this since you don’t live with us, Penny. I know its hard to understand since you eat our food, use our wifi, and sleep in Leonard’s bed more often than not, but you do have your own pigsty to furnish, or not furnish given your state of finances.”

 

“I said I’d pay you back!”

 

“What? Who said anything about repayment? I’m talking about not buying a stupid table.”

 

“You keep bringing up the fact I mooch off you, which also includes you lending me money.”

 

“Penny, you borrowing money to pay for a few months of rent while you follow your dreams is not the same as mooching. You know I’m happy to be your lender; it’s not like its the first time I’ve done it.”

 

“Yeah, keep rubbing it in.”

 

“If you don’t like borrowing money from me, why do you do it? Leonard is your boyfriend after all, so why not use him as a bank?”

 

“Because then I’d feel funny; I mean, we do have sex, and doing it after borrowing money from him would feel too much like prostitution.”

 

“Interesting.”

 

“What’s interesting about that?”

 

“So if you can’t repay me monetarily, would you resort to having sex with me instead?”

 

“Uh.”

 

“After all, how else would you repay me especially as you’ve yet to book a commercial much less anything else?”

 

“Uh, you have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. We can’t have sex without hurting their feelings!”

 

“So you would consider having sex with me if they weren’t in the picture?”

 

“If we ever had sex, Sheldon Lee Cooper, it wouldn’t be because of money. It would be due to feelings of the emotional and physical kind!”

 

“Interesting.”

 

“Oh for crying out loud! What’s now?”

 

“So I wouldn’t have to be the last man on Earth for you have sex with me?”

 

“This is not an experiment you can run, Sheldon. I mean, you’re you, and you don’t even like to be touched. You do realize sex means I’d have to touch you and you’d touch me. And not on the hand.”

 

“I’m fully aware of what sex would entail, Penny. I am a grown man.”

 

“Just checking, sweetie. There are fluids of all kinds exchanged, we’d be nude - or not, depending on your kink - and lying down. Or standing. Or bent over.”

 

“There are different positions for coitus?”

 

“Of course there are! What, you thought it was just a man lying on a woman? Haven’t you ever looked at dirty pictures?”

 

“That’s disgusting, Penny! A gentleman doesn’t look at a woman while she’s undressed.”

 

“I’m sure, but we’re talking about you.”

 

“My mama raised me to be a gentleman.”

 

“You looked.”

 

“What?”

 

“When I dislocated my shoulder. You looked.”

 

“I did not.”

 

“How did you know about my “soup” tattoo?”

 

“Uh.”

 

“You okay over there? You look a little flushed.”

 

“Penny, you’re trying to sidetrack me. We’re not getting a table.”

 

“Now hang on a minute, Tex. You can’t change the subject.”

 

“Well I did. I don’t even know how we started this discussion.”

 

“There’s no “we” in this case, Sheldon. You started it by asking me if I’d have sex with you.”

 

“Uh, you two wanna catch me up here?”

 

“Thank God, Leonard! Penny won’t stop bugging me about getting a table.”

 

“Let’s rewind a minute and go back to the part where you propositioned my girlfriend.”

 

“Oh for Heaven’s sake. I didn’t “proposition” Penny. I merely asked if she’d have sex with me in repayment for the money I’ve lent her.”

 

“You asked Penny for sex…”

 

“Crap on a cracker, Leonard, not like that. This is Sheldon after all, remember. The virgin. The man who needed diagrams and a book to even understand what a female body looked like?”

 

“Not true, Penny. I know what you look like naked, and while I doubt all are as aesthetically pleasing as you, I can extrapolate for the general idea of nude females of our species. Besides, I’ve seen Amy half-naked.”

 

“Really? When? She never told me you guys made it to second base.”

 

“Why are you bringing baseball into this? It was when she was really sick with the flu; I drew her a bath and bathed her to make her feel better.”

 

“Who the hell cares about that! When did you see my girlfriend naked?”

 

“Don’t be tedious, Leonard. It was when Penny dislocated her shoulder; it was on accident. I really didn’t mean to look; or grab her breast. I was just trying to help.”

“How is grabbing her breast helpful in the slightest?”

 

“Oh for the love of - Leonard stop being jealous. He was trying to help me get on my shirt without looking at me, and his hand slipped.”

 

“Just like Raj’s penis “slipped” into your vagina?”

 

“What?”

 

“Just how many of my friends have you slept with? Or seen you naked?”

 

“First off, Raj and I never actually had sex. He finished before we got the condom on. And secondly, we weren’t even dating at the time it happened!”

 

“What did Raj finish, Penny? Dinner?”

 

“Well, honey, when a man and a woman -”

 

“Shut up Sheldon! I’m trying to talk to my girlfriend here.”

 

“If you keep being insulting me, you won’t have a girlfriend. At least Sheldon was asking about having sex out of scientific curiosity.”

 

“Why thank you Penny. I’m glad you realized I wasn’t asking out of any desire to actually have coitus with you. After all, I have Amy and you have Leonard. Plus, you’re my friend and I don’t have those sort of feelings for you.”

 

“You would never have sex with me? You don’t desire me even a little?”

 

“As I’ve said before, you’re aesthetically pleasing both dressed and undressed - though I admit, I think you would look better with your natural hair color instead of light blonde, but to each his or her own prerogative.”

 

“And?”

 

“And what, Leonard?”

 

“You didn’t finish your thought.”

 

“I did.”

 

“You didn’t answer her question as to whether you desire her or not.”

 

“I desire a great many things, but in this context, I am out of my depth.”

 

“The Great Sheldon Cooper admitting he doesn’t know anything? I need to record this for prosperity.”

 

“You’re being a dick, Leonard. This was a private discussion between Sheldon and me that has nothing to do with you.”

 

“Nothing to do with me? Nothing to do with me? What would Amy think if she heard this conversation?”

 

“I am quite fascinated by it, Leonard. It is intriguing to me the dynamics of their friendship, and I too, want to know if my boyfriend would ever have sex with the beauteous Penny.”

 

“Amy? You’ve been listening to this the whole time?”

 

“Of course, Leonard. This is our usual video chat time; have you not checked the schedule?”

 

“Penny you knew this?”

 

“Yeah. When I walked in, they were talking, so it’s not like I could exactly miss her presence.”

 

“And this doesn’t bother you that Sheldon is thinking about having sex with Penny?”

 

“As you were not here during the first part of the conversation, Leonard, you have drawn incorrect conclusions from the part you did hear. Before Penny arrived, Sheldon and I were talking about the parameters of intimate relationships and if it were plausible for me to have my sexual needs met by another party since Sheldon has repeatedly expressed no interest in coitus with me. He was curious if all women are driven by the biological need for sex or if other other factors were included; hence his questioning of Penny.”

 

“Uh, okay, so I don’t need to be angry.”

 

“You might not, but I sure as hell am, Leonard!”

 

“Penny, you were already aware of Leonard’s feelings on this subject as he’s a beta male attempting to achieve alpha status within the group, so naturally he’d feel threatened by how many of his friends have seen you naked.”

 

“God, it sounds so bad when you say it like that.”

 

“How can you not be jealous about Sheldon seeing Penny?”

 

“I too have seen her naked, so by that logic, wouldn’t he be threatened too? And Penny, you should celebrate your sensuality, not be ashamed of it.”

 

“I can say I am not threatened by Amy’s viewing or any subsequent enjoyment of Penny’s nudity. She is a scientist too, so naturally she would find the sight pleasing.”

 

“Okay, lets stop talking about my nudity and Amy as it’s really weirding me out.”

 

“But Sheldon doesn’t?”

 

“Why would he, Leonard? Sheldon can be mean, a whiney baby, and outright hurtful at times, but that’s overshadowed by his willingness to help, his loyalty, and his utter brilliance. When he saw me naked, it wasn’t a sexual situation, but a friend helping me out. Oh, and yes Sheldon, I would have sex with you even if you weren’t the last man on Earth, but never out of obligation or because I owed you money.”

 

“Thank you, Penny, for your honesty.”

 

“No prob, sweetie. Now lets get to Ikea before they close so we can buy a new table.”

 

“You mean so I will buy a new table.”

 

“I knew you’d agree. You heard it Amy, Leonard. Therefore this meeting of the Furnishing Committee is adjourned.”

 

“You can’t -”

 

“I just did, Sheldon. Deal with it.”

 

“Well-played, Penny. Well-played.”

 

“Thank you Amy. We’ll see you after we get back.”

 

“But-but-but.”

 

“C’mon, sweetie. I’m driving.”

 

“What the hell just happened?”

 

“You pissed off your girlfriend and she’s out furniture shopping with another man.”

 

“Oh shut up, Amy.”

  
  
  



End file.
